I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
