nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
