Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I am one with the molecules
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
