Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
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He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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