I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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