you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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