I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
this beer tastes like vomit already
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
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You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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