Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I would ride that face into the sunset
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
