census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
