He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
