In the future we'll all be gay
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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