Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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