I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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