I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
