Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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