i wish my penis had a tongue
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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