I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize