she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
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he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
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He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.