lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
