im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.