So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours