WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
