Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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