I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
