Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni