I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
seriously i just wanna be friends
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.