He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
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I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
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I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.