Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
