I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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