i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
