new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
When are your genitals available?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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