Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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