I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
