the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
