It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
