She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
