Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
