My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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