$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
