I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
