You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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