I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
