Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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