On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
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Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
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Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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