I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
