honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
