____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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