mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
