You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
