My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
