i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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