that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize