And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
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He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
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did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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