You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
two words: eviction party
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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