yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
