I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
