office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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