Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
