Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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