Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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