I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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