He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
